Arts and crafts.

I haven't actually weighed myself today but I know I am doing better.

It took some experimenting, however I discovered a way to avoid messing up in the mornings. I ended up just taping a piece of paper on my door that says "You know better" and that was adequate. Honestly, I think I am going to flex what creative muscle I have, and make a poster that I hope to be very encouraging. I'm just not sure how long a "You know better" will successfully motivate me... plus, this could be fun!

I have an amazing compilation of photos that I have collected from other girl's blogs and I am very excited to put them to good use.

I think I am about to get a visit from my period soon, so if I haven't hit my goal I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I mean, I know I have been doing very well lately and I will be very surprised if I haven't lost any, but I know how my body works and I know how much of a bitch my period can be. My main goal for the next week or so is to just maintain my weight.

I can do this.

In a shell by the sea.

Today, tomorrow, and for now on is going to be better. I promise.

I have been really trying to understand where and when my self control weakens during the day. If I could only avoid this somehow, turn this time span of land mines into something that reinforces my control, I could be doing so much better. This will probably not be easy.

The thing is, I am so confident in my self control when I start the day right. When I wake, have my cup of green tea, maybe an apple, go to the gym, avoid mindlessly eating in front of the television or computer, I feel as if you can't stop me. I just get in that mindset. The trouble is when I wake up, I seem to be in a zombie like haze. Most of the time I'm not even hungry but I still head straight to the fridge or cabinet for some sugary cereal or whatever else that is easily accessible. By the time I have fully awoken, I have already completely destroyed my day.

How do you change a behavior when you aren't fully conscious or thinking clearly?

My first idea was to always have something to do in the morning. I could start waking up very early to go to the gym so that I don't have time to eat before I leave the house. By the time I return home I won't want to set back all of the hard work I had just done at the gym.

Another idea I have is to have an approved breakfast already set out for myself. I have even considered making notes and sticking them on the wall right next to my bed or on my door knob so that I am immediately reminded that I should be mindful of my choices.

I need to somehow turn this time of day into something that motivates me.

I am also going to try to set some short term goals to gain some instant gratification. I need to remind myself that I can do this. I need to prove it to myself.

So.

3lbs by Wednesday.

I can do this.

Ball of fire.

Today has been an epic fail.

Holding tight.

Change isn't the right word, but it is the only one that comes to mind. My friend had a mutual break up with her boyfriend of 5 (almost 6) years.

She is scared. I would be too. Sometimes the best decisions don't feel that way when you are making them.

I see so much of my own fear in her. How do you know when you are making the right decision? You don't. She keeps asking me, "how do I know I am not making a huge mistake?" I have no idea what to tell her. In all areas of life so far, she surpasses me with ease. She is brilliant. I have known her for most of my life and she has always been intelligent beyond her years. There are just those people who can understand and retain information easily. Smart is an understatement. What am I supposed to say to her? What do I tell the person who understands everything better than I have ever been able to grasp?

I guess the romantic in me wants to rationalize a way for them to work it out. I tell her that maybe it isn't working right now but maybe in the future it will be the right time. I mean, a relationship isn't going to work all of the time. Those that do are the exception. Sometimes a step back will do wonders. They are both in different places.

That was my lame advice. That isn't really advice at all. I don't think she has any real intention of getting back together with him. She is just afraid of what not being in a relationship is like. All of my friends are like that. We have never really known what it is like to not be in a relationship. I am still with my first boyfriend whom I've been with longer then any of my friends and their boyfriends. All of us met our significant others when we were in high school. Everything is going so great for us but how do you know what the other side is like if you have never experienced it. Ugh. Relationships are tough.

I tell her, life is a compilation of moments and relationships, whether they go the distance or not, make up a significant amount of the happiest of those moments. Sometimes I wonder why I can't take my own advice. Why I let things get so complicated that they are hard to undo or walk away from. I do this in almost every aspect of my life. I just don't know when to say no.

On a food related note:

Today a guy that sits beside me in class asked me if I were pregnant. Yeah. I was mortified. There are some girls who I used to know from high school who also sit beside me. They remember me when I was very sick. The last time they saw me I was 107 and I was beautiful. They had over heard the guy's comment. I don't know what I did but some divine presence out there is punishing me.

I think I may vomit.

For one:

I am most certainly not pregnant and, while I have gained some weight, I in no way look like I am with child.

For two:

Who just asks someone that? I mean... not only did this guy think that I looked pregnant, he thought I looked pregnant enough to chance asking me. Oh and there is a difference. If you have any doubt in your mind that someone may be pregnant you don't ask. You just don't. You only ask when there is concrete, non-refutable evidence or an obscenely protruding pregnancy belly (and even with this last one it can be tricky).

Ugh. Well, I guess what I would like to say to this guy is thanks. Thank you because now I have the motivation to hit the gym harder and restrict, well, stricter (yeah, I know, lame).

Yeah. I'm pissed. Off to bed.

The Beautiful Cold

I'm not poetic. I am not talented with words what-so-ever. There is not an elegant bone in my body. I am blessed to be able to surround myself with many beautiful minds, people whom I admire and truly inspire me.

Being that close to something, something that you recognize as extraordinarily special, immensely important, makes you look at yourself. It makes you wonder if some of this beauty that radiates hasn't rubbed off on yourself. I spend my days truly taking up space and contributing nothing of worth to anyone in particular. I dull out advice to friends with a sharp tongue that does nothing but portray me as a harsh, unintelligent hick (my accent doesn't help matters). I love to read. I thoroughly love classic literature. I love romantic, idealistic, whimsical stories that make the heart lighter and cause unrelenting grins. I can recognize beauty. I recognize it in words, places, and people. I see it in the pure white morning light that pierces through the window when I first open my eyes and the contradicting chill that fills my senses when I step outside into that light. That beautiful cold.

If only I had words that were charming enough to describe that feeling. If only I were articulate enough.

Sometimes I cannot fathom how my friends can stand me. I know being someone who self loathes, I see this subject with a blanket (one of those very heavy down comforters) of bias. But honestly, they are brilliant. I am not just saying this, I am not bragging. And on top of these talents that they wield like the powers of superheroes, they are survivors. They have seen and had to endure things that I could only imagine.

Not that my life hasn't been filled with tragedy. I was a 7 year old rape victim who was too scared to tell anyone who could actually do anything about it. Now I shoulder it because if i told anyone it would certainly destroy the family. I'm lying. I don't honestly care about the family. I would destroy it in a second to see some pitch forks and fire. It is just that if I tell them, I will be constantly watched. I will be constantly pitied. There will be no escaping it. I will be the girl who was raped by her uncle. I don't want the attention. I don't want to answer the questions. I don't feel anything about it. I run as fast as I can from becoming the victim. There isn't a bottomless pit where my sorrow just lays stagnant, rotting my insides and destroying any chance I have at having a normal life. The only scar that I can't shake is a resistance to any kind of physical contact and having actual relationships with any family members. I can't hug my father or have any kind of conversation that runs deeper than superficial banter that has pre determined boundaries. My parents just think I'm a bitch. I'm okay with that. It could be worse.

That went completely off topic.

I guess the point of this post is...

I can better my body. I can shape it into the clean, graceful machine I long for. I can restrict and restrict till there is nothing but it will not matter. The "graceful" I desire not only pertains to my body but to my mind.

Simple.

I am out of control.

Tuesday

Damn that AT&T commercial where the guy returns the little girl's lost dog. It always gets me. Gah.

So, I have not been very productive with this blog. I intended for there to be glorious entries on a much more frequent basis, however evidentially that is not the case. I am a busy gal but mostly the laze is to blame. The cold weather laze.

I came across some old pictures of me when I was at my sickest. They were devastating to my state of mind. Any thread of normality has been completely shot. I am so torn. I was very sick when I was younger. I would do things in order to lose weight that I am going to have to answer for later in my life. I was so obsessed with food that I began to major in dietetics. I wanted to learn what these substances would do to my body. What I ended up learning made me realize that what I was doing to myself was very dangerous, that while it may seem harmless, it is still destroying my body in the long run. That was enough then to help me snap out of it. I guess it is easy to just give up and be completely devoted to being healthy when you're at your lowest weight. Now at my highest, I am not so sure that the abuse isn't worth it. I know this isn't the way someone normally would go about handling this situation. Usually they would eat more salad and hit the gym more often. I just can't get to that place. My eyes dart around the fridge weighing all of the "healthy" options. I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't decide. When you start tracking your calories and getting close to 500 makes you nervous, that is a problem.

In these photos that I found, I look happy. I remember the day they were taken and it was a very happy day. I want to be happy like that again.

The gym should be free.