The west was won.

Hello,

How do you start one of these? Every introduction I can come up with seems cliché. Currently I am sitting in the library at my school, waiting for my class to start. I think I am coming down with something harsh, something dreadful like a head cold. I have been sniffling all day and my head feels so light, I think it may float right off my shoulders.

I’m changing the subject.

What do I want to say with this, this first post? What tone do I want to set for this public documentation of my, well, life?

My intention is to use this as a medium to cope with my many thoughts. I spend so much time inside my head that when I wonder out of it, nothing seems as familiar. I have to warn any potential readers, my thoughts are not particularly interesting.

There will probably be posts about my body issues, and oh how disturbing they may seem. First and foremost I would like to say that I do not claim to have any kind of eating disorder. I wouldn’t want to belittle or make a mockery of anyone who actually suffers with the diseases associated with food. However, there will be things I will say that may seem not to be the words of a healthy minded person. I have issues, just like everyone else.

I am not proud of my problems. I do not think that my actions are glamorous or even worth the damage they have and will cause me. If I could change it, I would, and I am constantly trying. I can only hope that being able to see my madness on a day-to-day basis will help me understand myself and, maybe, help myself.

With that said…

Welcome.

My name is Lennie. I am a female in my early 20s.

I am 5 feet, 2 inches and I am fine with that. The only issue I have ever had with my height is that 5lbs looks more like 10.

My highest weight ever was 138lbs. My current weight is 128lbs and my lowest at this height was 104lbs. I do not have a weight goal. I know what I want to look like and I have no idea what number I need to put on that.

I can only hope that I know what it is when I get there; that this isn’t a never-ending quest for something I can never attain.

I am not a “fat” person. I look in the mirror and each day my perception changes. Some days I cannot stand what I am looking at. I see rolls and dimples and lumps. Some days I see a small girl, a normal, healthy (looking), small girl.

This seems like a pretty standard feeling for most women. We just have our off days. The only problem with my teetering perception is that when I see the lumps, I don’t eat for 2 days. Well correction, I can’t eat. I want to. I want to more than anything. Even right now I am contemplating getting in my car and heading to the nearest Subway for a 6-inch veggie. However, even something as low calorie, low fat, as a salad between two pieces of wheat bread scares me.

To make matters worse I am an unrelenting health nut, or at least in theory. In practice, I fail miserably. I read the books about commercial farming, contaminated meat, and the effects of artificial ingredients on the body. All this does is feed my fear of food.

Don’t get me wrong; I am more than a body image problem.

I love literature, music, and the outdoors. I aspire to write for the world one day. I love my nose and my breasts. I have stories.

Class is starting, so I guess I must skedaddle.

-Lennie.